The fall semester is suddenly upon us ― Westminster College’s New Student Move-In Day is this Saturday, Aug. 16. Go Blue Jays!!
Parents here and everywhere are sending their children off to college for the very first time. Trust me when I say the inner turmoil they are experiencing during this transition often goes unnoticed.
Perhaps you saw the commercial a few years back where a couple seizes their son’s bedroom for themselves (maybe for a kitchen addition?), and he returns from college at Thanksgiving to a cramped closet. You didn’t see it? Take it from me, the couple was jubilant. Pragmatic. Unempathetic.
It was THEIR time.
You can also take it from me that this isn’t necessarily how sending your firstborn off to college goes down.
Our teary, funeral-like first college send-off
With our oldest, I’m embarrassed to admit that the entire summer before he left for college at a large university nearly four hours away, I felt like I was preparing for a funeral.
Weeks prior to his departure, a semi-nightly ritual took place (undoubtedly instigated by his clingy mother) where we watched our favorite family comedy together as I aggressively attempted to squeeze every last drop of time as it slipped mercilessly through my fingers.
After he boxed up his belongings and removed posters from his sky-blue walls, I caught sight of the switch plate cover with the cow jumping over the moon that I lovingly installed when he was a newborn. I suddenly and morosely recalled the awful scene from Toy Story 3 when Andy did the very same thing before giving away most of his toys (darn you, stinking evil Pixar).
The night before we left for Move-In Day, neither of us could sleep. We ended up watching one last episode of The Middle before our funeral procession AHEM joyful caravan along I-70.
Did my husband and I cheer, go to a swanky bar, throw back celebratory drinks and plan an island vacation for two, just after we left him at the honors floor of his sparkly, new dormitory?
Au contraire, Tidy-Story-Expecting Reader! I actually bawled all the way home, thank you very much.
Do I share this extended description of my idiotic behavior so you feel superior? If you do, that’s fine. I’m here to entertain! But I’m also here to inform.
This maudlin tale of woe is offered partially as solace to those going through the same messy emotions as messy me (heck, even Rob Lowe admitted in a particularly raw essay that the experience is gut-wrenching).
My story is also offered to reassure you that IT GETS BETTER.
5 tips for sending your first child off to college
The following advice will serve both you and your brand-new college student, so you don’t lose your mind or drive that poor child crazy.
- Don’t text or call every 10 minutes.
Or even every day. Or even every three days.
When you do text, and your sweet, precious firstborn who can do no wrong does not respond immediately, DO NOT assume she is lying dead on the floor of her dorm room … or that she was kidnapped on a morning run across campus.
(Definitely don’t contact her RA to confirm she is still breathing. Not that anyone would actually DO that. But if you must, at Westminster, where I graduated and now work, the Office of Residential Life will be happy to help.)
She’s alive. Probably sleeping. Or just plain sick of you.
But no worries! She’ll text when she needs money. Or runs into another problem. See Tip No. 2.
- Let your adult child fail.
Did your college student finally text to say her professor is SO UNFAIR, and she deserved a B but got a D, because Dr. So Smart has it in for her?
Trust me. She deserved the D.
Do NOT Google Dr. So Smart and call his home.
Instead:
- Suggest she study more.
- Tell her to visit Dr. So Smart during regular office hours.
- Remind her to use campus academic support services.
(At Westminster, the Student Success Center offers tutoring for virtually every class.)
By allowing adult children to “fail,” or stumble on their own a bit, you teach them to be resourceful, confident adults who can take care of and advocate for themselves. Heck, if Psychology Today offers this sage parenting advice, you might give it a try if it’s something you haven’t already added to your parenting playbook.
- Attend Family Weekend.
Whether he texts you or not, your college student misses you.
Fortunately, the opportunity to reconnect and sMOTHER your child comes quickly!
Most colleges host a Family Weekend in the fall. Our website is the place Westminster parents can soon go to learn more about Homecoming and Family Weekend. It’s just around the corner, Sept. 12-14!
When you arrive on campus, you can SQUEEZE your beloved child and:
- Deliver the winter coat he forgot as he attempted to stuff his giant gaming chair into the trunk of his car on Move-In Day.
- Stock up on campus gear at the Westminster College Bookstore.
- Cheer at the homecoming football game at the Kent and Judith Mueller Stadium.
- Enjoy a relaxing dinner off campus. Might I recommend Beks, Brooklyn Pizza or the College’s longtime hangout, 1851 Underground in Fulton’s Brick District?
- Send snacks and care packages.
This advice is as much for you as your child, because sending a care packages can be more than a one-time event, and doing so allows you to take action, rather than just sit back and worry.
I came to this advice after my oldest daughter suffered a nasty concussion her freshman year. She missed classes, and her neurologist ordered bedrest and zero screens. My sMOTHERING instincts kicked in with a vengeance.
Thankfully, I found online shops that cater to parents like me, with packages including:
- Chicken noodle soup, socks and stuffed animals
- Cookies, tea and fuzzy throw blankets
- Cozy pajamas, chocolates and popcorn
Students LOVE surprises: Valentine’s packages. Warm winter gloves from Amazon. Simple objects that serve as tangible memories of home. Check out Westminster’s Bookstore, the Blue Jays Apparel Store or the gift shop of America’s National Churchill Museum for appealing ideas for your Blue Jay or die-hard Churchillian.
- Relax. They’ll be back (with laundry).
You have:
- Holidays
- Spring breaks
- Lengthy summers
- Random, unexpected visits
- Occasional three-day weekends
- The wide-open future after graduation!
They might not return for every break, but they’ll be back. With lots of laundry. And if they bring amazing new friends with them? Fantastic! Just get used to lots of pizza, Dixie plates and Solo cups as well as the realization that college students give your home a certain loud, frat-like ambiance. Sort of like when they were toddlers. Fortunately they don’t require diaper changing. But they still don’t respect your old-person bedtime.
My youngest son frequently brought Westminster friends home for holiday dinners, cookouts and occasional pickleball tournaments on our makeshift court.
After graduating in May from the College, he landed his dream job near home. He now visits once a week for dinner … but no longer brings his laundry. It’s a win-win!
You may be asking: Why is he doing this? Who knows. Perhaps he missed the chaos. His sisters fuss over him in unexpected ways, like when they intercepted the mail, excitedly ripped open the package holding his Westminster diploma and then accidentally spilled chocolate on it.
Something must be sinking in, though. Now his middle sister is entering Westminster as a freshman this fall. Fingers crossed that she has the same incredible experience that my son and I had!
Side note: He lives just 10 minutes from his alma mater and will pick up a clean diploma soon. Another perk of attending a small, responsive college!
Final thought: It really is going to be okay.
This is a season of growth for your student and you.
Your adult child will soon grow in confidence and acquire the brand-new super power of supporting herself (yay, college)!
Remember my oldest? He met his wife at the The University That Made Me Cry and is happily married, living on a farm adjacent to ours.
Take heart. It does work out.
So go take over your child’s room. Go to that swanky bar. Throw back a couple of celebratory drinks. And plan that island vacation for two!
It really is going to be okay.
Sarah Rummel Backer is the Director of Media Relations and Senior Writer at Westminster College in Fulton, Missouri. A proud Westminster graduate, Sarah has more than 20 years of experience in marketing and strategic communications in the areas of higher education, medicine, agriculture, and the private business sector.
